HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU WALKED AWAY FROM A”FIGHT” OR HEATED DISCUSSION WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER FEELING FRUSTRATED AGAIN BECAUSE YOU FEEL THEY DID NOT HEAR YOU OR UNDERSTAND YOU?

Male clients and male friends often ask me the following same question, over and over again throughout the 25+ years I have been working in the field of psychotherapy:   “What is it that woman want (ie. in a relationship)?

My answer still is WHAT WOMEN WANT MOST IS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE!  Then my male friends and clients ask:  what is emotional intelligence?   WITHOUT EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS ARE UNLIKELY TO OCCUR.  It is true that in this society we are brought up, in general, with boys playing with trucks, guns, soldiers and trains…while girls play with dolls, and doll houses. (Today of course there are many sorts of computer games to add to the list of childrens’ playthings.  I am not talking about that).

Men are coached to solve problems, while woman communicate with friends and dolls.  So men are generally not familiar with feelings like hurt, sadness and fear.  In fact, many boys are taught not to admit to fear or sadness, or they are seen as weak. But this is a huge hindrance to intimacy, which has to do with letting ourselves and another know about the emotional side of our personality, which includes feelings like the ones mentioned above.

The feelings are used to express how another’s actions effect us, or we effect them.  Then we have to learn how to communicate these feelings without building resentment in the other person.   We have to know how to tell another that their behavior is making us feel angry or uncomfortable and then ask for what we need instead………..We have to know how to do reflective listening, which means we put our own opinions, suggestions, and judgments aside, and just reflect what the other is saying, so they feel “HEARD”. This is harder to do than you might at first think. As I wrote in my first sentence above:  HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU WALKED AWAY FROM A “FIGHT” OR HEATED DISCUSSION WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER FEELING THEY DID NOT HEAR YOU OR UNDERSTAND YOU?   This is one huge part of intimacy/ relationship, that can change if you understand emotional intelligence.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IS THE GLUE THAT CAN KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP ALIVE AND GROWING.  Without it, long term relationships don’t usually happen…and divorce, fighting, deep wounds can occur instead.

I have been teaching emotional intelligence in my work  for over 25 years. Feel free to call and ask questions to see if this approach will make your life more fulfilling and easier.