In order to get through an uncomfortable feeling, one must go THROUGH THE FEELING, NOT AROUND IT.
It does not work to put the feeling under the rug, so to speak, or ignore it, or keep drinking alcohol when it comes up. Nothing wrong with alcohol in the moment, but to use this it all the time is ineffective. The uncomfortable feeling only comes back, more confusing and painful.
All feelings are just energy until we put our story onto them. Thus, take hope! There is a way to separate the feeling and the energy and get through the feeling successfully so it doesn’t hurt so bad. Often there is a need at the beginning of counselling to train people to acknowledge and feel and express their feelings or emotions.
Here I am using both words interchangeably.
ACKNOWLEDGE, FEEL, EXPRESS one’s feelings or emotions= VERY IMPORTANT!
Without this human skill, which should be taught to 9 yr. olds and older, in all our schools…
it is difficult to go deeper into the problem. One is just doing what an anxiety therapist, somatic trauma therapist or anger therapist says to do without really having a deeper understanding. Thus, the change will usually not be far-reaching, or last a long time.
Why do feelings work this way? Because they are one of the major ways humans relate to each other, which includes decision-making. Do I want to be around this person? Do I trust this person? How do they make me feel bad when I am around them? If we are not aware of these feelings within us, then we will make decisions un-consciously, and then we really are throwing our free will to the wind. The decisions are made by us in an unaware state. We react rather than act, using some habit from the past rather than seeing this unique situation for what it is. Anything can happen, as we give up our personal power to make conscious choices. Secondly, feelings trigger us, or come into our awareness with no invitation from ourselves. Thus, rather than have this uncomfortable intrusion, it is better to have processed the feelings in the way I describe. The negative feelings can diminish or disappear if done properly.
ALL FEELINGS ARE OK. THEY ARE MESSENGERS LETTING US KNOW: 1. THAT IN OUR PERCEPTION SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT; AND 2. THAT WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE UNCOMFORTABLE FEELING. WE HAVE TO MAKE A CHANGE. Not wait for someone else to do it, but we have to do it. It might be a change in ourselves, or it might be we need to request a change in the external world that is our reality.
Nowadays, there is a new word. Instead of just IQ (intelligence quotient), there is EQ (emotional quotient). The idea of EQ was brought to light through the work of Daniel Goleman. Now, it is considered one way to evaluate a person’s level of good emotional health (what used to be called “mental health”.)
If you don’t know your feelings, you should try to start the “Feelings Lessons” (ask me about getting them), where one learns that anger is really not what it appears to be. It is really a hurt-like feeling underneath, and comes out as anger. This changes the nature of anger and what to do if you have too much, or can’t control it. The following are examples of feelings. There are many more.
ANGRY-LIKE FEELINGS: irritated, aggravated, furious, peeved, impatient, arrogant, just plane good old anger, etc.
HURT-LIKE FEELINGS: abandoned, disrespected, misunderstood, unappreciated, hurt, put down, ignored, discouraged, sad, afraid, tired, worried, imposed upon, ugly, lonely, treated unfairly, etc.
COMFORTABLE FEELINGS: confident, loved, happy, content, respected, warm, lovely, calm, restful, etc.
Secondly, it is necessary to educate others regarding what works for us, and what does not work for us. This training is called assertiveness training, or communication skills. PEOPLE CANNOT READ OUR MINDS. WE MUST TELL THEM IN RESPECTFUL, NON-BLAMING LANGUAGE.
All problems and diagnoses get worse when people do not know how to communicate effectively. Whether you have been diagnosed with anxiety disorders like, GAD, or ADD, or ADHD, OCD, or PTSD., or alcoholism, good communication will alleviate some of the pain, maybe all of it. Maybe you have had sex abuse or developmental trauma, or get severe PANIC ATTACKS, which this skill to deal with feelings helps as well.
Finally, co -counselling or good listening, reflective listening, helps as well.
These three tools, FEELINGS LESSONS, ASSEERTIVE TRAINING, and REFLECTIVE LISTENING are the most important to transform negative feelings into past history.