Uncategorized

IS THE DIFFICULT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE A NARCISSIST?

by

Excerpts from DISARMING THE NARCISSIST, by Wendy Behary

There are few challenges in psychotherapy more difficult than treating the narcissist. This is the client who finally comes to therapy because a partner said: “Get help or get out.” Or perhaps his boss gave him an ultimatum based on countless complaints about his difficult attitude. Maybe he is losing his momentum in his competitive stride to the top and is looking for an edge. He may be involved in a litigious matter and believe that counselling will look good in his file. Occasionally, and reluctantly, narcissists enter into therapy because they are simply lonely, depressed or anxious.

Though these people seem well assembled and self-assured, sometimes with a saccharine wit, they can so quickly pull the rug out from under you, reducing you to apprehension, tears, boredom, or disgust. We call these people narcissists.

EXERCISE: IS THE DIFFICULT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE A NARCISSIST?

(read through the items listed below and check off any that apply to the difficult person in your life. Only check off a trait if it is expressed excessively, meaning it occurs more often than not.)
___ Self-absorbed (acts like everything is about him or her)
___Entitled (makes the rules and breaks the rules)
___Demeaning (puts you down and is bullyish)
___Demanding (whatever he or she wants)
___Distrustful (distrustful of your motives when you’re being nice)
___Perfectionistic (has rigidly high standards; things are done his or her way or no way)
___Snobbish (believes he or she is superior to you and others; gets bored easily)
___Approval-seeking (craves constant praise and recognition)
___Unempathic (is uninterested in understanding your inner experience or unable to do so)
___Compulsive (gets overly consumed with details and minutiae)
___Addictive (cannot let go of bad habits; uses them to self-sooth)
___Emotionally detached (steers clear of feelings)

If you checked at least 10 of the 13 traits, this difficult person meets the criteria for OVERT MALADAPTIVE NARCISSISM. If you checked less than the above quantity of traits, this person in your life is probably a COVERT NARCISSIST. Then there is HEALTHY NARCISSISM which is more like assertiveness, and not a bad trait at all. This system views three types of narcissism.

HEALTHY NARCISSISM

The following traits are expressed often from healthy adult narcissists:

  • Empathy: they are attuned to the inner world of others
  • Engaging: they are charismatic, socially literate, and personably companionable
  • Leadership: they can conceptualize a purpose or a vision and can formulate direction when collaborating with others
  • Self-possessed: They are confident and rigorously committed to generosity and authenticity
  • Recognition-seeking: they are fueled by positive approval and motivated to make a difference
  • Determined: they can push beyond dense briars of opposition
  • Confrontational: they hold others accountable but without assassinating their souls
  • Wisely fearful: they can discern between reasonably disquieting solicitation and destructive seduction

GETTING CAPTURED: IDENTIFYING YOUR PERSONAL TRAPS

In my practice clients repeatedly ask themselves similar questions because it is natural to wonder why you get hooked:
What’s with me? Am I simply a masochist?
How can I allow myself to be so fooled?
Why am I so drawn to these difficult people?
Am I being punished?
How do these trying people always find me?
Do I have “doormat” written on my forehead?
Why can’t I just speak up and tell him/her to….?

FOUR STAGES OF TRANSFORMATION….YOU CAN OVERCOME YOUR TRIGGERS!

Observation
Assessment
Identification
Differentiation